Last week, Tim talked about going to College Station to be part of the official photo shoot for the NOH8 campaign. He brought me back this button! Thanks, Tim. He also let me take a couple of photos with Rex and Pixie before he scrubbed his face clean.
Dogs don’t hate.
For anyone who doesn’t know, NOH8 was born as a means of protesting California’s hateful Proposition 8. All funds raised by the NOH8 Campaign are used to promote and raise awareness for marriage equality and anti-discrimination on a global level through an educational and interactive media campaign. This matters to me foremost as a simple matter of justice–we should all be equal under the law. And on a personal level, I have gay and lesbian friends who I believe should have the same rights as me.
October 11, Monday, is National Coming Out Day. That’s been on my mind a lot in the context of the current wave of publicity and action arising from the suicides (the ones we know about) of kids who’ve been bullied or tormented in school or at home. As a longtime advocate and ally on behalf of those who are GLBTQ, I never stop believing that straight people have a moral duty to provide our voices and safe places on behalf of those who are marginalized and harassed.
Yet I find it so frustrating when those who deplore hate speech and believe it creates a climate conducive to violence descend to that same level. When we dehumanize those with whom we don’t agree, when we talk of hurting or destroying those who anger us, when we call them horrible names, we are hardly creating an environment that feels safe for anyone to thrive as themselves.
I have friends I could call out on this. That’s not how I operate. But for the past week or so, it’s been crazy how people I respect, like, even love, have given me just as much heartburn on my social networks and in e-mail as those who line up way to the other side of where I stand on many issues.
I’ve never quite been able to compose a post that adequately describes my conflicting feelings about Facebook, but here’s one of the reasons I struggle with it. I welcome the concept that people are free to believe what they believe, even if what they believe is radically different from what I believe. Certainly there are people in my life who don’t see things the way I do. But I have to be honest: Most of those people are friends or family members of long standing. I love and cherish them. I respect their right to see things another way from me, even when those beliefs vex and hurt me, and more achingly, when I know they are potentially hurtful, even harmful, to the well-being of other people I love and cherish.
However, I don’t seek out or welcome new people into my life whose beliefs will vex or hurt me, or who would be thoughtless or cruel to those I cherish and love. As an analogy, if every person is a book, I know there are a lot of books out there that I don’t want to read. I won’t burn them. I won’t ban them. I won’t fight to remove them from the shelves. But there are so many other wonderful books that I’d rather spend my time reading, and it’s part of my liberty to do so.
Facebook consistently agitates me with people who I might have known long ago, or people who’ve connected with me through other contacts, who say things and link to things that I find insulting, demeaning, even cruel. For a while, I found myself “hiding” people so I didn’t get that stuff pushed in my face every day–until the occasion on someone else’s wall when someone said hiding people on Facebook is passive aggressive “defriending.” It IS. So I did a huge “friends” purge. I got rid of the people who either update, or get comments, on their walls, in ways that I feel are hateful or defamatory (even inflammatory), or who consistently link to public figures whose beliefs I would never promote or want to be connected to. I try to fill my life with people who build up others, who look for solutions, who are positive and affirming. So why would I clutter my online life with hate, divisiveness, bigotry, and destruction?
Some of the people I “unfriended” were people I know never read me; I’m only a number to bolster their hundreds to thousands of “friends” because they use Facebook as a networking tool. In the case of writers I deleted, I’m aware of their work through sources other than Facebook, and I didn’t necessarily want frequent updates on their works in progress or their personal lives–just as I know they have no interest in me or mine. I’m not offended by that, and neither should they be.
Finally, I deleted many of those who asked that we be “friends” but who’ve never interacted with me, shown any interest in my work or my life, or with whom my only connection is that we once might have shared the same school or town. If they are genuinely interested in me, my LiveJournal is always here, always open. My e-mail address is published everywhere. I doubt they even noticed I fell off their contact list.
But what do I do about people I know “in real life,” whose company and time I’ve enjoyed in the past, but whose status updates consistently run contrary to ideals and principles I hold dear? I really haven’t figured it out yet. If they wrote those things on my wall, I’d react for sure. But on their own Facebook walls, they have the right to say whatever they want, and I don’t have the energy or enthusiasm to debate or refute them–knowing from experience what a futile effort that is. But does my silence, while my face and name are right there on their friends’ lists, imply approval? Agreement?
There are times I get so irritated by it all that I want to deactivate my Facebook account, but it provides a convenient, one-stop location for people who live far away and with whom I enjoy staying in touch–in enough numbers that e-mail would be cumbersome, even daunting. So I hover above that option but don’t take it. And I wonder if the people whose beliefs are so antithetical to mine have hidden me long ago, so they don’t have to see my occasional links and notes and updates that might vex and trouble them?
No real answers here. But one thing’s for sure–I’ll get it worked out long before the next election season for my own peace of mind.
FB -vs- LJ
I totally agree.
As far as Faceless Book -vs- Livejournal goes, I too have tried to remove myself from FB, but certain close friends in other countries now only interact via FB. In fact, they demand I should post there, because they don’t want to get an LJ account to interact with me here. The problem with FB is there really is no delete, and employers snoop, perhaps illegally.
So when High school anger-issued objects try to “friend” me I deny them. High school is a dead door, buried in soft peat and recycled as firelighters. There are large chunks of unhappiness I never want to visit again, there. (There are also large yet fewer chunks of happy too.)
I’m also somewhat amused by this relentless, yet meaningless, friending on FB. It used to be referred to as the “Hokie Hookup” at Virginia Tech. I’ve quizzed friend wanna-bes with “I’ll friend you, if you meet me at a local coffee shop and I feel we are a good match.” They usually go away.
But now, I get FB messages like, “such and such is now friends with someone and 500 other people.”
When I asked about their friending-like-rabbits, they say it’s because they are playing a game application on FB, and teams suddenly become friends. And, like Microsoft bugs, this is just accepted.
When it comes to networking sites, I think the friend thing should be replaced with “link”. This allows the recognition of association, without designation of the kind of association, leaving that to human interpretation. Maybe add a mechanism to qualify the link.
But FB wasn’t meant to be used that way; it was originally meant to be used as the extension to the Yearbook.
Now, I’m afraid to have my identity on FB, but I’m more afraid to
deletedeactivate myself for identity theft.Re: FB -vs- LJ
Yeah, my LJ is my turf and I have no hesitation in speaking my mind and in doing some clean-up when it’s necessary here. And I agree that I want to keep control of my name/identity on FB, and anywhere else online, as much as possible.
I don’t do games on FB. All that stuff gets hidden immediately as soon as it shows up on my wall. Those things are obviously fun for the people who enjoy them, but that isn’t why I’m there. When I want to play, I’ve got dolls!
There are times I’m tempted to pare it down to family and a few close friends. But I do have readers on there, too, and I enjoy knowing what’s going on in their heads and their lives.
Re: FB -vs- LJ
Introducing the newest fad in FB land? Dollsville? A FB mock of Project Run(a)way 😉
Personally, it just wouldn’t be the same as your posts on LJ. It would be like a tweet version. And an exclusive Mark G. Harris interviews with Summer…? Nope. It just wouldn’t be the same. I’d have to “help” save
the farmvillethe models.Will you be my friend? 🙂
I probably already am.
Oddly enough, I just had to fight off instincts to make a snot comment on someones “Obama is playing golf” comment before reading this … so yeah, i totally get this.
Yeah, the Obama stuff is already getting really old really fast. That’s why I know I have to get this dilemma resolved before we get into 2011/2012.
People’s negativity and cynicism drags me down. I don’t invite that into my life.
What I really don’t get is how someone can say hate speech against gays leads to hate crimes, suicide, depression, unfair practices in the workplace, homophobia (and I agree with all of that!), yet think THEIR hate speech has no consequences. Bigotry is bigotry. Violence is violence. Slurs are slurs. Whether comments are directed at Democrats, Republicans, Tea Partiers, women, gays, blacks, Muslims, Christians, Mormons, immigrants, pundits, politicians–hate is hate.
… this is what I just read : Slurs are slurs. Whether comments are directed at Democrats, Republicans, Tea Partiers, women, gays, blacks, MARIKA CHRISTIANS, Mormons, immigrants, pundits, politicians–hate is hate.
I was in arms … and also curious how many Marika Christians there were that we warranted our own group.
You’re one of a kind.
When you figure it out TELL US. I have the same problems. No matter how nice I am online, what do I do about my friends who act like buttheads and talk trash? I feel guilt by association. But if I delete them it’ll be like I’m the butthead.
I feel you. =)
you know I think that the bravest people are the ones that stand up to the “bullying” in their own group. I like it when liberals tell other liberals “you know, cool down a little … ” I like it when conservatives tell other conservatives “ease up.” I have to confess I am rarely strong enough to do this. I am trying to do it more often though. With a bigger support system it gets easier.
My biggest problem is dealing with people who are full
of hate and prejudice — people you have to deal with
to some extent because they are co-workers or students
(not so many of either, thank God!) — or family members.
That’s the worst because to confront them causes other
problems, especially when you aren’t getting back-up
from others.
But you have to keep trying. Thanks for putting it all
in perspective.
Thank you. Yeah, it’s toughest when it’s people you care about. It’s even tougher when it’s people you care about and you’re on the same side, but their behavior is as deplorable as the people’s they’re slamming.
Hmm…Pixie and I are starting to look alike.
You know what that means–you can go on Joan Rivers’ show saying, “Bitch stole my look!”
Nah. Pixie always wears it better. Who needs the humiliation?
Catching up – really interesting post on facebook. I don’t use it a lot or take it very seriously, put very little info out there and rarely any pics. I also now use the hide button because in the past I have defriended with ridiculous blown out of proportion consequences that I hadn’t expected. It is tempting sometimes just to delete the whole thing, but then there are friends that I can’t keep in touch with any other way or so it seems, so I keep using it.
Yep, that’s what keeps me there–the dozen or so people who I interact with only on Facebook.
My favorite was the person who sent me a friend request which I accepted with reluctance, knowing from comments this individual left elsewhere that my interests and causes would never pass muster. I think we were “friends” for about three hours before I was unfriended. That’s when I made my profile public, with plenty of cues about who I am/what I believe to deter those who can’t handle the reality of me.