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–Seeing the first news report on my computer screen when I woke up early and thinking, How stupid do you have to be to run into THAT and then anxiously reconsidering, Maybe this is bigger than I realize and turning on the TV and watching the second plane hit and being so dazed that I still don’t know to this day if I saw it live or a news tape right after it happened.

–Understanding the geography of the island and knowing that two of the people I love most in the world were okay but still worrying and making two phone calls just to be sure and hearing their voices and realizing that “okay” is relative.

–Watching with more disbelief the news from Washington and calling my lifelong friend and advising her to go home and be with her husband because he has a heart condition and his daughter and son-in-law were part of the group that had been renovating the section of the Pentagon that was hit and enduring those hours before she was able to get a call through to someone who could let him know that they were okay and realizing again that “okay” is not okay but it’s better than it could have been.

–My dogs going behind my back and ripping the ruffle from a sheet on my unmade bed because they couldn’t understand why I wouldn’t pay attention to them or take them outside but instead answered or made call after call while I stood in the middle of the living room with my gaze glued to the TV.

–Hearing the news that my nephew’s wife was in labor and blessedly had very little idea what was going on while my mother sat with their first son and tried to decide how much TV they should be watching and then called me to tell me that their second son had been born and would have that date as his birthday for always.

–Tom coming home from work and understanding that I needed to get away from the television and taking me to our favorite little restaurant which was abnormally quiet and had the television over the bar on and no one could quit watching those same events over and over.

–Thinking that there was only one public figure who was going to make me feel any better and when I did finally see him wishing with all my heart that he was the one in charge because no one is calmer or more empathetic in a crisis and every day after that, his was the only face I looked for in any gathering of leaders because it was the only one that gave me comfort.

–Thinking that nothing would ever be the same again.

I’m still sad for everyone who lost someone and everything we as a country lost that day. I still watch for that one face and this morning I saw him in China at a memorial to recognize the anniversary. My lifelong friend made valances for my office windows from the sheets the dogs ripped up. Steven is four today. Tim is here and safe. Timmy lives outside the city now with someone who makes him very happy.

And nothing is the same; it will always be “before” and “after.”