And just like that, he became the rainman of puzzles

Loyal readers (you’re still here, right?) may recall when we went through a period of doing jigsaw puzzles at The Compound. Tom’s parents sent us one this past Christmas, and one Saturday morning, Tom started it, getting the entire outside of the circle and the innermost center part done before I even dragged myself out of bed. It stayed that way about a week, and each time I passed it, I’d think, Hey, I should do some of that puzzle. On one of those occasions, I walked by it about an hour later, and the thing was completely done. Tom’s like a puzzle savant!

For some reason, that rapid puzzle thing made me think of tests, and how I never do well when asked to figure out shit like this:

If + =

then

+ =

a.
b.
c.
d.

Whatever. Or word tests that say things like: refrigerator is to food as wallpaper is to
a. llama
b. tooth
c. taxi
d. astronaut

One time I had this roommate who was getting her degree in some education field and whatever class she was taking, she needed volunteers to take IQ tests. And even though I hate these kinds of tests with every fiber of my being, you do stuff for your friends even when you know you shouldn’t. At least this one wouldn’t end up with police questioning or an empty bank account. Not that I have any experience with those consequences.

I took my test and I scored about what I thought I should score and nobody was going to give me any Nobel prizes for physics but who cared because I could use physics correctly in a sentence and I was the Supreme Ruler of Apostrophes. How much glory can one person handle?

However, I made a fatal error. I also let her test my mother. What was I thinking? Because then, of course, I was consumed with the desire to know how my mother’s score compared to mine. Therefore I began a campaign of roommate torment that would only end if she would JUST TELL ME ALREADY, I CAN TAKE IT.

Moral of the story: No children, unless they are born to Marie Curie or Susan Sontag, need to hear that their mothers got a higher score than they did on an IQ test.