Mixed Feelings

Greg and I were talking on the phone the other day, and he said, “Aren’t you excited? Your book is about to be released!” I could only reply, “It doesn’t seem real to me. I’m not sure what I feel.”

Because of the kind of friend and writer Greg is–the kind who encourages me and relishes my successes with me–we explored that a bit. I wondered if maybe I’m too accustomed to collaborating. Usually a book release means I’ll get to see my writing partners; we’re planning a signing; we get to celebrate together. This time, it’s just me. It’s my first mass market paperback. It’s my first solo effort. It’s my first attempt at a new genre. I feel kind of lonely and apprehensive, honestly.

Greg agreed that might be part of it, but he had additional insight. The new Timothy James Beck novel has kicked my ass, and Greg knows it. It has demanded that I delve into feelings and sorrows that frankly aren’t the usual fare for TJB. Greg, of course, in working on his third Chanse MacLeod mystery, is having to do the same thing in post-Katrina New Orleans.

When you get inside your characters, and they get inside you, it can be fun and exciting, but also draining and a little scary. Still, it’s not fair to the characters in A COVENTRY CHRISTMAS, who also became part of me (and I a part of them), to fail to celebrate their arrival just because someone else is dominating my thoughts and feelings right now.

Greg suggested that I wait until a few days after the novel’s release and go find it on a shelf in a place where our novels aren’t usually sold–like Wal-Mart. The official release date isn’t until October, but today I found myself in a different neighborhood many miles from my own. I passed a large chain bookstore and decided to stop to see if they had LOVE, BOURBON STREET. While I was there, I thought it was a long shot, but I checked for my book. And…

If you know Kate Hudson’s smile, which is the same as her mother, Goldie Hawn’s, you’ll understand the way my heart smiled. A smile that’s a little proud and excited, but mostly shy and somewhat unsure and anxious. It’s the same way I always feel when I see our books in a store, or we get reader mail, or I read a good review. I’m humbled. I don’t feel like, “Hey, look what I (or we) did!” There’s just a little, “Oh, I’m so lucky! Please be kind, world.”

They didn’t have LOVE, BOURBON STREET, so I’ll pick it up somewhere else. But they did have the most horribly mis-shelved gay books I’ve ever seen. I found gay fiction on eight different shelves that included women’s studies, GLBT studies, lesbian fiction, and sexuality.

You know I used to be in bookstore management, right?

I located every single gay fiction title and shelved them together alphabetically by author. They only took up one shelf, but at least now, if someone wants Christopher Bram, Jay Quinn, or K.M. Soehnlein, they’ll be able to find them. And I hope the world is kind to them, too.

Forgive the poor quality of the photos; I took these with my cell phone.