Eavesdropping

I don’t want to mock the stupid.. You know what? Yes, I do. I want to mock the stupid.

I had occasion to “eavesdrop” on a conversation between someone who was selling a used book. But Seller had a question about something on the copyright page. Here’s the substance of the ensuing conversation (some details are changed to cover my ass, okay?):

Seller: What does this mean on the copyright page? (Gives specifics.)

Several Helpful People: It could mean… it does mean… if it’s like this, it means… blah blah blah.

One Helpful Person: If you could give me the title, I might be able to give a more specific answer.

Seller (reluctantly): Well, don’t ask me HOW I got this book, but… (Provides title, finds words to reassure others that he’s NOT interested in reading this title, he’s just selling it.)

The problem is, he doesn’t actually provide the book’s title. He uses the first sentence from the promotional copy on the back cover. Because, you know, it’s kind of tricky to find the title on the front of a book, its spine, and the COPYRIGHT PAGE THAT YOU ARE LOOKING AT.

I’m sorry; am I screaming? Back to the story.

One Helpful Person can’t help him, because OHP can’t find this title, since it doesn’t exist. Finally, OHP figures out the real title after asking for the book’s ISBN, and now they’re moving right along, talking about how much to sell it for, etc. And then:

OHP: I’m sure by now everyone knows what the book is about. If not, they can find out from the author’s web site (which OHP helpfully provides, and I like that in a helpful person).

(Wait a minute. What’s the big secret here? What are they afraid to talk about? Is this a book on… I don’t know, how to get away with murder? White supremacy? Overthrowing the government? What? What? What could be so bad that THEY WON’T TALK ABOUT IT?!?!)

Pursed Lips Person: I’ve looked at the site. I certainly won’t be buying it.

Sour Person: Neither will I. I’m not into bisexuality.

(Oh. My. God. The big secret is BISEXUALITY? Or, are we just seconds away from…)

Seller: I think it may be a gay book more than a bisexual book, but you know, I haven’t read it. (No, really, I haven’t, because remember, I don’t even know how these things work, I couldn’t find the TITLE for heaven’s sake, so don’t accuse me of actually having found the first page and started reading the cursed thing…)

Sour Person: I haven’t read it either and I certainly will not.

Out of Nowhere Person: A book has sexuality??!? (BAH HA HA!)

Sigh.

Dear Seller:
Apparently, the Book Fairy* snuck into your room in the middle of the night and left a gay-themed book for you. I assure you, I don’t believe that having this novel in your possession means you would ever read it or want to read it. Nor do I think that having it means you are gay.

I don’t mind that you want to resell one of our titles and are afraid to read it or even talk about it without hemming and hawing and having people flee from it like it’s gaydioactive. No, we won’t get any royalties off of what you’re doing, but maybe the book will find a new reader when you let it go for a pittance, a reader who will appreciate it and accept it with the happiness with which it was sent into the world.

All I ask of you, Seller, is that you never impregnate Katie Holmes.

Thanks,
Author

*”Book Fairy” concept provided by Timothy J. Lambert