An Aries (Who Knows Some Stuff)
Sorry to my Instagram followers for repeated content, but…
Back when I used to blend and sell essential oils, I also gave many customized blends to friends in bottles like these. When we were purging/decluttering after bringing all the boxes back from storage, Tom and I figured out a way to repurpose these remaining bottles. He created a windchime/suncatcher to hang over Aaron’s Garden just outside our front door.
coming off another twenty-plus hour work day and my concentration is crap and my feelings are raw and today is the day Aaron was born and it makes me sad that he’s not here but it’s also the birthday of a friend far away and I hope he’s having a good one because there are always reasons to celebrate no matter what…
I have now back-posted all the days leading to this one, because no matter what, I didn’t want this day to go unrecognized on my blog.
People aren’t going to come here for links and information they can get all over the Internet, so there’s probably little point in my focusing on that. Instead, last June, I read something on Twitter, thanks to a retweet from an online friend, that I will never forget. As high profile suicides increase, and those who take their lives become younger in age, this is a conversation that must be had.
This is how Twitter user Bunmi Laditan had her conversation.
Fuck these shadows and the lies they tell, whispering to gentle hearts in their own voice, skewing reality, weighing down spirits until their body becomes the burning building their soul must jump from.
How do you battle an enemy that wears armour made of your skin and scent? One that knows your secrets and has a map of your unhealed wounds? One that doesn’t need sleep or fresh air but instead [is] ravenously hungry for your future?
I don’t know. I pray the angels watch over us as they escort our fallen heroes – yes heroes – who battled until they couldn’t – heavenward. All we can do is fight today.
Don’t believe the shadows’ lies. The lies they tell over and over again, wrapped in a piece of truth because they know a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down. They are liars.
You lost your job? True. So you’re worthless. False. He broke up with you? True. So you’re unloveable. False. She abandoned you? True. Because everyone leaves. False. They LIE.
Imagine someone who can lie to you in your own voice, matching your pitch so well you can no longer tell the two apart. Then, like any predator, when they smell blood in the air they pounce.
Then comes the closing. The final sales pitch. Are you suffering? We can offer you peace for the low, low price of your entire life. One time payment. (They’d be better off without you, trust us.) It’s a lie: the angel of death wearing the angel of mercy’s robes.
These shadows and their lies will not win in the end. They’ll take some and we’ll mourn them, but they will not win.
Fuck you, shadows. You’re not getting one fucking tear today. Not from me.
You guys, when you’re too tired to fight, lay down. Rest. Call someone. Bother them at 2am. Fuck those shadows who lie and tell you to keep their twisted secrets. Call 911 on those bitch ass lying shadows the way you would on an intruder in your home. We want you to stay.
Ok gonna go rest and write. Stay safe. Thank you for listening. I’d say sorry about the swears but I’m not so ♥️ Rest In Peace Anthony and all the fighters dwelling on the other side of the veil. To those still on this side, fucking fight. Square up loves. 🌹
Rest in peace, Elnora and Aaron.
For those still fighting, I send hope you will find the other voice, the tiny one still there deep inside you, who knows you are needed, you are wanted, you are loved, you deserve life and all good things. I hope that voice will get so strong that you can live in peace.
I have been sick for a couple of days and have tons of work today, so blah on that. In happier news, Debby bought a new-to-her car today!
No more Big Red, her ginormous red truck, and we’ll miss it, but this Forester is pretty sporty.
In an Aaron’s Garden update, the impatiens didn’t make it. I’m hell on plants. I’m going with succulents for a while as replacements. And this rosemary. The last rosemary was dead in a week. Wish this one luck.
Every year, May 30 is Water A Flower Day. We all know I’m not really the gardening type, but I have been faithful this year about watering Aaron’s Garden, and so far, I haven’t killed anything. This is a record for me.
It takes two each of the watering can and the green watering pitcher shown here to water, either daily or every other day, depending on the heat and rain we get.
The New Guinea impatiens just lost their blossoms and are starting new ones, so there’s not much color right now, only a few hints of pink.
The dwarf morning glories in the green planter (called “Blue My Mind”) could probably use more sun, but they’re doing okay and consistently flowering, if not showing off.
The citronella is flourishing (I STILL get bitten by mosquitos), and the aloe on the bottom right is coming back from looking anemic and nearly dead. This makes me happy, as I received the various pieces of aloe in this garden from my friend Princess Patti many years ago! (I have a huge pot of aloe in the back yard from a former neighbor from when we lived at The Compound.)
That’s my contribution to this day. Wish me luck keeping it going on days to come!
It will always be the hardest date, the day Aaron left us in 2012. I’m sure everyone in our family has mentally rewound that day and all the ones before it, wondering how anyone could have made it not happen. How we could have him alive, happy, and with us today, maybe two years out of college, maybe starting a family, and while it’s poignant to say doing all the amazing things he might have done, any of us would be happy for him to be doing the simplest of everyday things. To see him, share stories, laugh again with him. Depressed people can do all those things so well that even the people who love and know them best can be misled into believing everything is okay when it is so not okay.
So some of us who lose a person to suicide do whatever we can in case even one person might benefit. We tell the truth. We say, “Aaron killed himself. He didn’t get help. He didn’t tell us he needed help. We would have moved mountains to get him that help. We would have visibly, persistently, fiercely, loved him so much in hopes that the light of our love would get through the cracks and give him even one more moment to love himself.”
If you are suffering as Aaron suffered, if you believe there’s no one you can tell, then please, please call:
National Hopeline Network: 1-800-SUICIDE (784-2433)
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-TALK (8255)
National Youth Crisis Hotline: 1-800-448-4663
Today Debby and I worked in Aaron’s Garden. The tin trike is the new addition I got last year with this in mind, making a path through the garden. We love you so much, Aaron, and we send all our love to David, Lisa, your brothers, and your sister.
Current Photo Friday theme: Nature
Tom found this butterfly next to Aaron’s Garden, where he’d landed after his final flight. I tucked him next to a fairy’s wing. I’m grateful to Nature for these moments of kindness.
There were a lot of great things about 2017, but I can’t be sorry to say goodbye. I hope 2018 is going to be a fantastic year. I’ve thought a lot about hope, optimism, and nostalgia. Looking back to what was cheats us out of what is. Sometimes the “what is” can look pretty bleak. These are times it’s a good idea to shift our focus from everything wrong, or dodge thinking that everything used to be better, so that we can appreciate the here and now.
For some people that’s a hard and seemingly impossible task. There is no shame in asking for help. If you or someone you know is struggling with depression or feelings of hopelessness, here are a few resources.
Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA): 1-800-662-HELP (4357)
SAMHSA’s behavioral health treatment services locator is an easy and anonymous way to locate treatment facilities and other resources, such as support groups and counselors, to treat and manage depression.
National Hopeline Network: 1-800-SUICIDE (784-2433)
If your depression is leading to suicidal thoughts, call the National Hopeline to connect with a depression treatment center in your area. The Hopeline also offers a live chat feature for those who don’t want to (or are unable to) call and can dispatch emergency crews to your location if necessary.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-TALK (8255)
This national hotline is another valuable resource for people whose depression has escalated to suicidal or other harmful thoughts. Their network of crisis centers provide emotional support and guidance to people in distress and are also available via a chat service and a special hotline number for the hearing impaired: 1-800-799-4889.
National Youth Crisis Hotline: 1-800-448-4663
This resource provides brief interventions for youth who are dealing with pregnancy, sexual abuse, child abuse, depression and suicidal thoughts. They also provide referrals to local counseling, treatment centers, and shelters.
I’m wishing the absolute best for you and the people you love in 2018.
Man, I miss this kid. Today is the day Aaron was born in 1993. I can’t believe he’s been gone more than five years. There are still times that I’m reading something or watching something and think, I bet Aaron would like this! I think of him with every One Republic song I hear. There was a funny comment I just read in Chris Weitz’s “The Young World” teenage dystopian fiction trilogy (Aaron loved all The Hunger Games books) about “Katniss,” and all I wanted to do was buy Aaron this whole series so he could read it and we could talk about it.
I believe it was my nephew Daniel who said something that made me read the Douglas Adams books that inspired this blog title. I never stop learning from him or being introduced to books, music, and other things I might otherwise not have found. I wanted this with his brother Aaron, too.
Most of all, I wanted Aaron to experience all the wonders that life has to offer.
We love you so much, Aaron. I’m sending out a happy birthday to the restaurant at the end of the universe where in my mind, I’m sharing birthday cake with you.
September 10 is World Suicide Prevention Day.
For more information about recognizing the risk factors and warning signs of suicide, please visit the American Association of Suicidology website. If you are struggling, please visit the Suicide Prevention Lifeline website. You can call 1-800-273-TALK (8255) and you’ll be connected to a skilled, trained counselor at a crisis center in your area, anytime 24/7.
Going through bins of old mementos and papers, I found cards and letters from Aaron both to me and to my mother. Post-flooding, my heart is not strong enough to read them right now. My home and heart will heal from the flood. My heart will always have broken places from losing and missing Aaron.
Please reach out for help if you need help.