Looking forward to more visitors near the end of this month, and there are still things we need to do around here. But a big project that was way overdue was getting help with our yard and flowerbeds (we don’t actually grow many flowers except in pots, unless Tim plants any around our large tree in the front yard), but we do have shrubbery and we have the Mexican petunias (aka ruellias or wild petunias) that grow outside the kitchen window, as shown in this photo from last September:
Looking back, here are a few shots of the back of the property, including this one from 2023.
And later in 2023, when we had a large, dead tree removed.
Even with January’s snow, you can see it became a kind of jungle back there. The dogs thoroughly love it that way, but it was a problem for me. It was so overgrown that I couldn’t easily follow them and clean up behind them. Also, Anime loved the stump of that removed dead tree and was eating the bark and the mushrooms that grew under the bark.
Last week, we called back the yard crew to have the stump ground down, and then, as well as cleaning out that part of the yard, they worked on all the beds, front, back, and sides, and everything looks so much better. We still need to finish mulching that back bed, and we have plans for filling in spaces back there with pots/potted plants currently scattered elsewhere on the property to get color and texture. We’ll see how it looks compared to today’s photo when I take another at summer’s end.
Along with finishing the short series I watched on Netflix, I’ve finished one little project today related to future hospitality. I’ve also handled paperwork for a license I hold. Other than cleaning out refrigerator leftovers and organizing others for lunches and dinners until the leftovers are gone (a couple of days), I’m planning on reading a recently published book by a favorite author and thinking a lot about something I found on social media in the last couple of weeks.
In relation to that, this is the writing I do: occasional commentary on (mostly) strangers’ social media; rare emails, usually short though sometimes longer; this website, which often includes poetry, occasionally flash fiction, but is mostly exposition of one type or another; and fiction. What I guess I must evaluate is what of the above points are true, because some are; some are with qualifications; and some are not at all.
This resonated with me when I saw it today, and that’s all I’ll say about it.
I hadn’t planned this, but a doctor’s appointment I spontaneously made on Wednesday and was scheduled the same day, led me to a referral to surgery on Thursday, when I had a very minor surgical procedure that went fine, with a follow-up next week to conclude things. Probably the most challenging part to me is the antibiotic I’m on which requires a bland diet and no dairy. I’m already bored with what Debby said is the BRAT diet: bananas, rice, applesauce, and toast (dry). I have no interest in rice by itself. In the mornings, I’m eating oatmeal (I never use milk with it anyway), then for other meals I switch between apple sauce and bananas, and dry toast and saltines. No coffee or tea. Just water and occasionally for a treat, a little cranberry juice. Nurse Debby is handling my four days of dressing changes.
When Tom took his vacation between Christmas and New Year’s, he was finally able to put time into recovering files from the backup drive of a computer that died in early 2020. (We’d misplaced that drive and thought after searching other backup drives that everything was lost.) We weren’t sure that whatever hit the dead computer hadn’t also impacted the contents of the rediscovered drive, but he transferred literally thousands of documents to another external drive. Today, I began accessing some of the contents for the first time.
I feel, like the subject of a previous post, that I’m time traveling, having already sifted through hundreds of personal photos I thought were gone. It’s been surreal, because so many of those photos encompassed our sale of The Compound, our move to Houndstooth Hall, the Harvey flood, the deaths of Margot and Guinness, the new dogs that came into our lives to become Anime’s pack and our little friends–just so many dogs and people and things.
There are photos I don’t remember taking. Places I don’t remember going. For example, I found photos that I think might be from Mark Rothko: A Retrospective in the Beck Building at the Museum of Fine Arts in December 2015. I vaguely remember going to an exhibit in years past, and I have bad photos that inform me this was probably the one. We were in the middle of selling one house, moving into another, it was the holidays, and I was working crazy hours, so I’m not surprised it’s all a blur.
These were a couple of photos I found in my files, probably taken with my phone, that I think were part of that exhibit. I could probably find the first one online if I wanted to do a deep dive in image searching. The second one looks like it’s behind glass, reflecting paintings from another wall, and I’m not sure the colors are true. It could be more of a challenge. Regardless, Rothko’s art always feeds my soul and seems like the perfect way to finish my red-themed week.
Over the past few days, I’ve seen too many photos and read too many stories from the city of my , Los Angeles. My heart aches for all those homes lost. People lost. Businesses and jobs lost. The daunting prospects of recovery and rebuilding. Not everyone there is wealthy, nor are all those neighborhoods filled with the residences of celebrities.
I’ve seen videos of terrified wildlife fleeing from fires, including a cougar with her two cubs running behind her—so beautiful, so scared. I’ve seen horses being rescued and taken to shelter in safe sites, and offerings from other communities of the number of horses they can take in. Many pets have been placed in shelters until their families can figure out where they’ll be staying or going next.
So many have lost their homes, all their homes’ contents, and sometimes even their vehicles. Meaning to be reassuring, people offer, They’re just things. They can be replaced.
Not all things can be replaced.
I thought of my decades of photos, my own and my mother’s. My father’s art. My lifetime of journals. My father’s military records. My mother’s genealogical records.
I thought of all the mementos and items Tom’s parents have saved his entire life and given to him on special occasions. His rocking horse. His family Christmas ornaments, including some from his grandmother. His parents’ art.
My teddy bear. My dolls, and I don’t mean that massive collection of Barbies so much as my baby dolls and the dolls my father brought back from Korea and Japan. Some of the Barbies do have deep sentimental value, too.
I thought about Tim’s violin, built by his grandfather. The portrait of Rex done by a local artist and gifted to him by Laura. The plant he brought back from his grandmother’s funeral that he’s kept thriving for several years. Lynne, too, has two plants, one that came through various relatives from her grandmother to her; another that was her mother’s, who died in 1978. I thought of the carousel horses that were gifts from her late husband.
Debby lost some very precious keepsakes related to her children during our flood in 2017, and a couple of things I valued from my teenage years went missing, maybe inadvertently thrown out with larger items. We’ve lost a lot over the years, but we’ve never lost everything, as is happening to so many right now because of the L.A. fires.
Some things can never be replaced because most of their value exists only in our hearts and memories. Sometimes, when our hearts are broken, those things give us something tangible to cling to, just as our companion animals give us the will to be strong, to keep going.
Yesterday, I watched a video of a stranger, maybe someone’s neighbor or a passerby, as she realized she saw movement on a property, and used her hands to pull two surviving fish and two turtles, all struggling, but alive, out of someone’s koi pond in their yard next to their burned down house. She put them in a cooler that she filled with their water to transport them. (There were others, fish at least, that hadn’t made it.) Imagine losing everything but what you could take with you, and then being reunited with those four little survivors, and what they might mean to those people. The kindness of that woman is immeasurable, and she’s just one of so many who are trying to do something, anything, for their fellow Angelenos.
There’s so much heartbreak in these losses, but there’s also heartbreak in the vitriol from the usual choir of cruelty. I can’t understand, don’t even want to understand, how people can be so small, so hard, instead of just kind. Even in thoughts. In words. Just kindness. It costs nothing to be kind.
Do intentions matter? Yes. I absolutely believe they do.
Over these days, I’ve turned to music from the CDs that live in the sanctuary closet with a lot of the things I once used in my practice. They’re meant to comfort. To help someone relax. To be a channel to healing. I have more, but these were ones I pulled out so far.
Enya, The Celts, 1987 and re-released in 1992; Watermark, 1988; Shepherd Moons, 1991; The Memory of Trees, 1995; A Day Without Rain, 2000. Loreena McKennitt, The Book of Secrets, 1997.Loreena McKennitt: Parallel Dreams, 1989; The Mask and Mirror, 1984.
I’m grateful for artists and their music, as I am for all those who provide the movies and television shows we watch, the books we read, the art that intrigues us. So much of the creative output that entertains and enriches us comes from that concentrated part of the west coast.
There are two realities I hold on to. First, our strength and resilience are the reason we persevere and rebuild. It’s how San Francisco has come back from earthquakes. How New Orleans came back from Katrina. How New York came back from terrorist attacks. I’m picking big cities because right now it’s Los Angeles, but across the Midwest, the Northeast, the South, the West and Northwest, this same spirit has driven us, as it will North Carolina and other areas impacted by disasters, whatever their causes.
And second, the abundant kindness we show to those who experience catastrophe reflects the best in us. Whether we give our time or material support or let our thoughts, words, actions, and prayers come from kindness, infused with the energy of good intentions, we get to choose to be a part of one another’s healing instead of their suffering.
Tom gave me this candle for Christmas, and it burned next to me sometimes over the multiple days this post has taken me to write.
Now that some of our house and holiday chaos has tapered off, I’ve resumed working on the Neverending Saga. It feels really good. I mentioned that I’d gotten encouraging messages from Lynne when she read the most recent chapters. I’m very fortunate that both Tom and Lynne stay engaged by these novels and offer me not just positive feedback, but also constructive suggestions, and they sometimes ask questions that cause me to look ahead or to better flesh out things already written.
In a few months, it’ll mark six years I’ve been working on this series. It’s been challenging and sometimes discouraging. As I start the new year, I’m doing a kind of inventory of the journey so far.
First: One of the first people, who is not a writer, with whom I discussed my plan for rewriting/developing the novels, told me that I couldn’t write books that include the diverse set of people and some of the social matters I wanted to make part of the stories. Because I’m white (and so is this person), I was warned that any characters of color–whether Latinx/Latine, Black, or indigenous American–would be rejected by the “woke” readers (not my term) I might hope would be among my audience. Within a couple of years of that conversation, expressing my opinions and values, not just in the books, became enough of a problem that this person chose to end the friendship.
I was surprised but have no animosity or resentment about it. I see it happen every day among friends and families, consequences of the time we live in. It does, however, make me uneasy when other people go silent now. Instead of thinking, everyone’s busy, lives are complicated and full of competing demands, I tend to castigate myself for anything I might have said or done that drove them away. This despite the fact that I have friendships stretching back through all the decades since the sixties, and we don’t all think alike or agree on everything. If each of us has a specific fear or anxiety, mine is abandonment, and it’s based on experience. Who knew one day the term for that would be “ghosting.” I’m not a fan. I do appreciate that in the experience described above, at least I wasn’t ghosted.
Second: Getting back to what and how I want to write, I understand the concept of “own voices.” We need more books from diverse writers; people of all cultures, genders, socio-economic groups, minorities, sexual orientations. It’s not my place or right to co-opt the stories of those voices. However, I’ve lived in, and I grew up in, places with a wide variety of people. I’ve worked with, lived with, gone to schools with, attended churches with, been taught by, and been friends with all kinds of people from all kinds of cultures. Even before I ever wrote a word (I started my first novel when I was eleven), I observed everybody. I listened to everybody. I heard people’s stories. I read endlessly in all kinds of genres, set in places all over the world. I’ve taken no one else’s stories, but many of their stories undoubtedly speak to or inspire the stories I write. I’m not writing biographies. I’m writing fiction.
Third: I kicked off the first decade of this century with published novels I wrote with three gay men. Every one of us wrote every character: male, female, straight, gay, transgendered, Black, white, Latinx/Latine, elderly, adolescent, wealthy, struggling. We weren’t writing autobiographies. We were writing fiction. People often assumed I wrote the straight female characters in those novels. I did introduce a new one occasionally, but their stories were filtered just as often through the other writers as through me. Once characters are properly established, they take on their own lives, whether I’m the only writer or a co-writer. That statement right there–I’ll go back and put it in bold–is my joy in writing fiction. Characters will surprise me, defy me, break my heart, and make me love them, even their flaws.
Fourth: One friend offered to read the books as they were being written, as a kind of beta reader. I’ve never had beta readers (other than my writing partners). I gave fair warning that these were works in progress based on old, very old, versions I wrote in the far-away past. They were subject to change during new versions because I’m older now and a more seasoned writer. This person had read and enjoyed my published novels (the TJB novels, the Lambert-Cochrane novels, the Coventry novels). To me, that implied I could be trusted to tell the stories of flawed characters organically. Not only were my narrative choices subject to change, the characters would change. Grow. Make mistakes. Course correct. Learn. I think that’s called being HUMAN. I don’t write androids. Robots. Aliens. (I don’t even write vampires who sparkle, but I sure read them.) I’m not interested in writing perfect or static characters. If you trust me because you’ve read me before, then I deserve the opportunity to develop the story and allow my characters their flawed humanity. This person began to take issue with my characters’ choices. In addition, I’d get comments like, “This character is obviously a serial killer.” I’ve never written, would never write, a serial killer. Anyone who’s read me knows that. The feedback became insulting, annoying, and an impediment to my process. The friendship survived; the beta reading relationship ended.
Fifth: Other people agreed to or offered to read the works in progress. Here have been the results of that. One never started the first book after agreeing to be a reader. One read the early lives of the first three of four characters who have points of view in the first novel, but then got tired of reading anything and wanted to switch to watching television for a while. The manuscript was never picked up again. One read the first novel and asked for the second, where the reading stalled. As far as I know, it remains unfinished. A fourth wanted to read them, has the first two novels, and again, as far as I know, never began.
These things definitely impact my self-esteem as a writer. Now, when someone asks, “May I read them?” The answer is, “Not until they’re all finished.” The beta/early reader concept hasn’t worked for me, and I realized it can even be harmful. I’ll continue writing and hopefully finish these novels because I want to. Because I need to know how it all turns out.
Below, using the week’s theme of black and white, is some motivation. Maybe you need it, too, as encouragement to forge ahead and protect yourself from what inhibits or harms your creativity.
, Los Angeles. My heart aches for all those homes lost. People lost. Businesses and jobs lost. The daunting prospects of recovery and rebuilding. Not everyone there is wealthy, nor are all those neighborhoods filled with the residences of celebrities.
