As long as I have my memory, I’ll never willingly forget any of this

ETA: On 12/15, a New York Times article gave this information on children and gun deaths in the U.S.: “Guns are now the No. 1 cause of deaths among American children and teens, ahead of car crashes, other injuries and congenital disease…. The U.S. accounts for 97 percent of gun-related child deaths among similarly large and wealthy countries, despite making up just 46 percent of this group’s overall population…. The U.S. has more guns than people…”

Before Thanksgiving, I mentioned a project I was doing with the blog that would be of little interest to anyone else, but I was motivated by several reasons.

I believe I was a sophomore in college when I had to choose from suggested topics to research and write a persuasive paper for a speech class (I didn’t have to give a speech or participate in a debate; this was strictly a writing assignment). When I browsed the choices, the one that caught my eye was gun control: pro or con.

Two things interested me. First, my father was retired military. Specifically, the Army, and more specifically, the infantry. I knew he had to be proficient in weaponry (years later, I’d find papers that showed some of the weapons and tanks on which he’d been trained). Yet we never had a weapon in our home.

Further, I understood the culture he grew up in. As a boy and adolescent, he would have hunted. Whether specifically for food or for the camaraderie and skill of the activity, any fowl or other animal killed would have been used for food. Yet I couldn’t remember him talking about hunting, nor do I remember any occasion when he went hunting alone or with other hunters.

My high school boyfriend, who became my first husband, was also a hunter. Again, when he and our friends hunted, they hunted game for food. After we married and had our first post-college home, there were hunting weapons in our house. I never went near them, and he was meticulous about how he stored them.

All that in mind, I wasn’t sure why guns needed to be controlled. Did my father have a reason for not wanting them in our home? This was long before PTSD related to military service was a commonly known and discussed topic. I’d heard of “battle fatigue” and “shell shock,” but I didn’t know if those applied to my father. Did other people keep weapons in their homes? People who weren’t hunters? I had no idea. No one ever showed me any.

Since my ignorance seemed so vast, I picked that topic. I was diligent with my research, and I was stunned by the kinds of statistics and the number of tragic stories I read. Mass shootings were an anomaly back then, but the number of accidents in the home that killed children and other family members was numbing. The number of suicides in which a gun was used, the number of guns used in domestic violence, the crimes that turned deadly because of guns… All that juxtaposed against the Second Amendment rights that people cited as their right to “bear arms,” and our history of wars against U.S. citizens (1860s) and indigenous peoples (encompassing our expansion beyond the lakes, the prairies, the mountains that divided us from the Pacific Ocean).

When I wrote my paper, I chose to take the position of pro gun control. My position wasn’t that people shouldn’t have guns or should give up their guns. I chose instead education, training, registration, systems that I thought would protect, in particular, children from gun deaths, accidental deaths–because in that time, the idea of deliberately murdering school children was unthinkable. I read, studied, and interviewed to find compromise between gun safety and liberty.

I got an A on my project, and I got a conference with my professor, who told me I had one of the best researched, most thoughtful and thorough arguments on the topic he’d ever read.

In the years after that, I came to know people whose lives were impacted forever by guns, as was my own. In a broader sense, assassination attempts on Presidents Ford and Reagan were chilling reminders of the deaths of John and Robert Kennedy, Martin Luther King, Malcolm X. The murder of John Lennon kept mental health and gun violence part of the pubic debate.

But nothing in my research, and nothing in the world I grew up in, could have led me to predict that military weapons, weapons of war, would ever become common in police departments, first through SWAT teams, and later, with access to decommissioned military weapons, not quite as regulated. Nor would I have thought that private citizens would ever own weapons that have ONE purpose, a purpose that has nothing to do with protecting one’s home and family or with hunting. That purpose is murdering as many people as lethally and efficiently as possible.

I’ve only become more certain that with gun ownership should come gun responsibility, and once again, that leads back to training, education, registration, as well as things like waiting periods, age restrictions, and background checks. In jobs I’ve had that had nothing to do with weapons, I’ve had to be registered, fingerprinted, and provide proof of residency and a criminal-free record. We all have to provide proof of insurance, license, and ownership for many things… but not weapons. It makes no sense to me.

Now we have this myth of “good guys” with visible guns patrolling public streets, eating in public restaurants, standing in front of public buildings. They dress like military. They are armed like military. They are not military. They are not National Guard. They have to provide no proof of training or mental competency to be in public with weapons of war. I have no interest in being where they are because this seems insanely unsafe to me.

Gun violence is at the worst it’s been during my lifetime. I haven’t forgotten the things I learned. I haven’t forgotten interviewing responsible gun owners. I haven’t forgotten that my father, trained for the wars he was part of, left military weapons with the military.

Ten years. It’s been ten years today since twenty children and six staff members were murdered at Sandy Hook Elementary School in the village of Sandy Hook located in Newtown, Connecticut. We can’t say things have gotten better, only worse in these ten years.

.

The names below, of those killed, are not in the same order as the photos above.

Allison Wyatt, 6
Ana Marquez-Greene, 6
Anne Marie Murphy, 52 (Teacher)
Avielle Richman, 6
Benjamin Wheeler, 6
Caroline Previdi, 6
Catherine Hubbard, 6
Charlotte Bacon, 6
Chase Kowalski, 7
Daniel Barden, 7
Dawn Lafferty Hochsprung, 47 (Principal)
Dylan Hockley, 6
Emilie Parker, 6
Grace McDonnell, 7
Jack Pinto, 6
James Mattioli, 6
Jesse Lewis, 6
Jessica Rekos, 6
Josephine Gay, 7
Lauren Rousseau, 30 (Teacher)
Madeleine Hsu, 6
Mary Sherlach, 56 (Psychologist)
Noah Pozner, 6
Olivia Engel, 6
Rachel D’Avino, 29, (Therapist)
Victoria Soto, 27 (Teacher)

What I learned with my work in HIV/AIDS awareness and the NAMES Project is that names matter. Names remind us of the humanity of lives lost. My project I mentioned has been to research the eighteen years I’ve kept this blog, including the first on LiveJournal, find the victims of mass gun violence during my blog’s duration, and publish their names. It’s a daunting project, and I’ve barely begun to compile them all. I began with school shootings, moved to shootings at places of worship, and am now adding shootings at workplaces and commercial sites (e.g., grocery stores, malls) as well as those designated as domestic terrorism. As I find older posts on related subjects, I’m adding the tag “gun-reform” to them as I am to all new posts. As I find more details about incidents I’ve already recorded, I’m adding those. I haven’t provided names of the shooters, whether or not they died during the incidents.

I’m doing this because these deaths matter. These deaths break families’ and communities’ hearts. These deaths tear at the fabric of who we are and who we should be as citizens and neighbors. These deaths take deadly aim at the foundation of our country.

We are problem solvers. We are innovative. We are not evil. We can do better. We must do better.

they wanted to have a night out

Five people were killed and 17 were injured by gunshot, one1 was injured but not by gunshot, and one2 was a “victim with no visible injuries,” as a perpetrator opened fire with multiple firearms including an AK-style rifle, in a shooting inside Club Q, a gay nightclub in Colorado Springs, Colorado. Patrons at the club were able to subdue the perpetrator until law enforcement arrived.

Those killed were:

Derek Rump, bartender, age 38
Daniel Aston, club supervisor, age 28
Ashley Paugh, age 35
Kelly Loving, age 40
Raymond Green Vance, patron, age 22

1This number have been increased to five injured without being shot.
2 This number has been increased from one to twelve victims with no visible injuries.

they wanted to go to school

A gunman opened fire with a handgun on the main campus of the University of Virginia in Charlottesville, killing three people and wounding two others before escaping. He was later apprehended.

Those killed were Devin Chandler, age 20, Lavel Davis Jr., age 20, and D’Sean Perry, age 22. Another victim, Michael Hollins, was shot but is expected to recover. A fifth victim, Marlee Morgan, was later discharged from the hospital.

Choose your words

My writing break includes coloring and eating. I could have been cute and said coloring and crudités, since that word is all over the news, but I’d be wrong.

Why? This is accurately called my brunch plate. Brunch is a late morning meal eaten instead of breakfast and lunch. It’s often how I create my first meal of the day, because I have to take some medications on an empty stomach, and some with food, but all of them in the morning. It’s a balancing act, and I’m sure many people can relate.

What this plate is not:

No. 1–An hors d’oeuvre plate, also called an appetizer or starter, which is a small dish served before a meal in European cuisine. Some hors d’oeuvres are served cold; others, hot. Hors d’oeuvres may be served at the dinner table as a part of the meal, or they may be served before seating, such as at a reception or cocktail party. (Since this is my meal, not an appetizer, it does not fit this definition.)

No.2–A charcuterie board, which is derived from a French term for a branch of cooking devoted to prepared meat products, such as bacon, ham, sausage, terrines, galantines, ballotines, pâtés, and confit, primarily from pork. (I have no meat on this plate.)

No. 3–Crudités, which are French appetizers consisting of sliced or whole raw vegetables typically dipped in a vinaigrette or other dipping sauce. Examples of crudités include celery sticks, carrot sticks, cucumber sticks, bell pepper strips, broccoli, cauliflower, fennel, baby corn, and asparagus spears. (I have only celery and a dip related to this definition; the other foods do not qualify.)

These definitions were modified from Wikipedia. Any search engine can help prevent incorrect word choices. You may think I’m being patronizing about this, but I think people who don’t use words correctly are mentally lazy. I’ve been mentally lazy, too. It’s nothing to boast about.

This is one of my favorite ways to eat any meal: small portions of whatever I put on the plate. Usually, I choose from a variety of fruits and vegetables, along with a grain (for example, crackers, toast points, cheese straws, or certain kinds of chips) and a protein (like cheese, peanut butter, or hard-boiled eggs). I usually just name this plate by the time of the meal; thus, this could be my brunch, lunch, dinner, or supper, as applicable.

I’m not even getting into the inconsistency of how “dinner” and “supper” are used in my home region. I’m just going to sit at the table and enjoy the food. =)

Coping skills

I’m filtering social media and its comments very rigidly these days.


Took the small Georgie Woolridge Animals coloring book from my Coping Skills Box and colored a red-eyed tree frog (Agalychnis callidryas). I learned the red-eyed tree frog isn’t poisonous, and I definitely relaxed while I was adding color to him.

We had at least a couple of rainy nights during the week, and on one of them, Tim sent a video to Jim and me of the frogs who were singing outside in response to a much-needed shower. When Half Acre Wood also got good rain, Lynne said the birds were dancing and singing among the wet tree limbs.

To recap, not poisonous: red-eyed tree frog

Poisonous: hate, ableism, prejudice, cynicism, dishonesty, sexism, hunger, jealousy, oppression, cruelty, bigotry, bullying, poverty, greed, violence, heterosexism, apathy, racism, injustice, classism, homelessness, fear-mongering, ageism

How I try to eliminate poison from my mental and emotional diet: education, creation, and action as I’m able

Photo Friday, No. 810

Current Photo Friday theme: Broken

It’s hot as blazes in Houston. I’ve had to take my website private while I repair damage done to it by malicious jerks. Around 7000 corrupt posts covering 18 years. Terra cotta pottery isn’t the only thing broken around here. Technology and its villains have made me feel a bit broken, too.

Broken pottery can be used in the bottom of other plants to give them better drainage. With time and work, I’ll be useful again, too.

Tarot Etc. Thursday No. 22

Last week I featured the 15 Tarot decks I have. Here are the rest of the decks or similar items I’ve located throughout Houndstooth Hall.

I’ve featured four Oracle decks. If you Google the difference between Oracle and Tarot cards, you’ll find a wealth of information (some of it contradictory–good luck!). My decks are:


Celtic Astrology Oracle Cards


The Illustrated Crystallary Oracle Cards


The Urban Crow Oracle


Messages From Your Animal Spirit Guides Oracle Deck

In addition to my Tarot and Oracle decks, here are other items I have on my shelves. Like these, that I should use MORE OFTEN.


Mindfulness On the Go (2014) is a small book by Jan Chozen Bays with twenty-five mindfulness practices that can be done anywhere. These are meant to get a person into the habit of cultivating “the gratitude and insight that come from paying attention with body, heart, and mind to life’s many small moments” (from the back cover of the book).

The Relax Deck (2000), designed by Henry Quiroga, with illustrations by Katarzyna Klein and Hannah Firmin, includes fifty cards with images on one side, text on the other side, all meant to help the user relax. Here is a sample card:

I think this is one of my favorite decks I’ve ever bought for just making me BE STILL AND BE for a while. It’s very refreshing. Not only does it provide inspirational exercises, but it even shows you how you can use the cards in a game with others. I haven’t done that. Yet.


I also have this box of Mindfulness Cards: Simple Practices for Everyday Life (2018), from Rohan Gunatillake. Again, this is a deck I should use more often. Here are the categories:

And some samples from “Curiosity and Joy”:

Here are some of the other resources I’ve shared on here before.


John Nagiecki’s Animal Spirit Knowledge Cards (2007), beautifully illustrated by Susan Seddon Boulet.

Karma Cards (1991), created by Monte Farber.


Rachelle Charman’s Chakra Reading Cards (2016).


My collection of Rune Stones, that includes The Book of Runes (1984) by Ralph H. Blum.

WHEW! I think that’s everything. As I was compiling this post, I found a few more things that might be of interest to you. They reminded me of the importance of mindfulness, gratitude, and the kindness of friends.


This came from a woman I worked with in 1997. Someone very special in her life was LGBTQ, and I’m not sure if she’d shared that at work with more than a few friends. One day, she overheard my quick, sharp response to someone who made a homophobic remark. You never know who’s listening and how your support might uplift someone who needs it. In return, this little book she gave me has many reminders that I recorded of kind things done for me. They’re a pleasure to read and remember all these years later. I need to start writing in this book again.

I want to reiterate this because of other people’s stories I’ve read or heard lately. BE A FUCKING ALLY FOR MARGINALIZED PEOPLE AND USE YOUR VOICE. You don’t have to yell like I just did. Just please don’t miss an opportunity to speak for those who might not be in a position to speak for themselves.


I was confused when I saw this tiny book tucked away on a shelf, because if you’ve read here for any length of time, you know I’m always quick to say that I don’t put a lot of stock in fortune telling. When I looked inside, I remembered how lively LiveJournal once was for many of us. I knew Todd from there, but once people stopped using LJ, and I stopped using Facebook, I lost touch with many of those folks. Thank goodness he inscribed this book when he sent it, since I’d forgotten how it came to me at Christmas 2008. I hope Todd is doing well.


Likewise, you may have read or heard me say I’m not into spell casting. I’ve seen this go wrong for people who don’t know what they’re doing and are trying to control other people’s behavior instead of working on themselves (did I say that in Church Lady’s voice?). However, the title clearly specifies that it’s a GOOD spell book, and once I read the inscription from our friend Steve V, I realize the fun he had in giving it to me (“Jimmy” is his pet name for our mutual friend James). Steve V is an activist and advocate in Houston’s HIV/AIDS community, and he and James are two of the best people who’ve ever come into my life. Grateful for them always.

Did you make it all the way to the end? I’m thinking that this post marks the end of Thursday’s Tarot Etc. posts. However, I want to transition it to Thursday Thoughts, leaving it wide open for anything you might want to discuss, ask about, or if you want me to look into any of these decks for a specific date or animal or card or crystal or mindfulness/meditation exercise or whatever. You know I read all my comments on every post, so if something strikes you, drop a comment anywhere and let me know anything you might want me to talk about on a Thursday. If you want your interest or question to be anonymous, email becky@beckycochrane.com. If you hit “tarot” in that tags list on the right, you can find past posts of specific decks or similar items. Thursdays, YOU get to choose the content.

they wanted to go to school

Here are the names and details of those who died in Uvalde, Texas, on May 24 at the Robb Elementary School shooting.

  1. Alexandria Aniyah Rubio, 10
  2. Alithia Ramirez, 10
  3. Amerie Jo Garza, 10
  4. Annabell Guadalupe Rodriguez, 10
  5. Eliahana Cruz Torres, 10
  6. Eliana “Ellie” Garcia, 9
  7. Jackie Cazares, 10
  8. Jailah Nicole Silguero, 10
  9. Jayce Luevanos, 10
  10. Jose Flores, 10
  11. Layla Salazar, 10
  12. Makenna Lee Elrod, 10
  13. Maite Rodriguez, 10
  14. Miranda Mathis, 11
  15. Nevaeh Bravo, 10
  16. Rojelio Torres, 10
  17. Tess Marie Mata, 10
  18. Uziyah Garcia, 8
  19. Xavier Lopez, 10
  20. Eva Mireles, 44, teacher
  21. Irma Garcia, teacher, 46

I follow Annie Lennox on Instagram and she posted observations from Gloria Steinem dating back to 1999 which address gun culture in the U.S. While other countries might share some of these characteristics, they don’t have the abundance of and ease of access to guns that we have in this country.

Jotting some thoughts of my own here:

“Mental illness” is a simplistic answer and ignores the truth that many, many people live with mental and emotional illnesses and never massacre people or inflict bodily harm on others. Please do not stigmatize people who struggle with mental illness.

Automatic weapons of the type that can kill so many so quickly are not hunting weapons. They are not for protection. They are meant to kill humans efficiently in mass numbers. I grew up with hunters and soldiers all around me. None that I ever knew had these kinds of weapons in their homes. They are battlefield weapons. They, and large capacity magazines, began increasing in sales to non-military and non-law enforcement personnel in the mid to late 1990s.

School shootings ONLY (death totals do not include the shooters, and the injured are not listed here):

COLUMBINE HIGH SCHOOL, April 1999, 13 dead
RED LAKE HIGH SCHOOL, March 2005, 9 dead
WEST NICKEL MINES AMISH SCHOOL, October 2006, 5 dead
VIRGINIA TECH, April 2007, 32 dead
NORTHERN ILLINOIS UNIVERSITY, February 2008, 5 dead
OIKOS UNIVERSITY, April 2012, 7 dead
SANDY HOOK ELEMENTARY SCHOOL, December 2012, 27 dead
UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA, SANTA BARBARA, May 2014, 6 dead (includes both gun and stabbing victims)
MARYSVILLE-PILCHUCK HIGH SCHOOL, October 2014, 4 dead
MARJORY STONEMAN DOUGLAS HIGH SCHOOL, February 2018, 17 dead
UMPQUA COMMUNITY COLLEGE, October 2015, 9 dead
SANTA FE HIGH SCHOOL, May 2018, 10 dead
OXFORD HIGH SCHOOL, November 2021, 4 dead
ROBB ELEMENTARY SCHOOL, May 2022, 21 dead

they wanted to buy groceries

I just don’t have it in me anymore. Nineteen children and two adults at a school in Uvalde, Texas. We don’t yet know their names.

So here are the names and details of the ten people killed in a supermarket in Buffalo, New York on May 14:

Roberta A. Drury of Buffalo, N.Y. – age 32
Margus D. Morrison of Buffalo, N.Y. – age 52
Andre Mackneil of Auburn, N.Y. – age 53
Aaron Salter of Lockport, N.Y. – age 55
Geraldine Talley of Buffalo, N.Y. – age 62
Celestine Chaney of Buffalo, N.Y. – age 65
Heyward Patterson of Buffalo, N.Y. – age 67
Katherine Massey of Buffalo, N.Y. – age 72
Pearl Young of Buffalo, N.Y. – age 77
Ruth Whitfield of Buffalo, N.Y. – age 86