This post was inspired by Marika and her commenters complaining about songs that repeat nonsensical syllables, such as the Police’s “De Do Do Do, De Da Da Da” (I hope I punctuated that correctly) and Journey’s “Lovin’, Touchin’, Squeezin’.” My own contribution was “Na Na Hey Hey Kiss Him Goodbye,” by a band that made up its name, Steam, because the members were appalled that this song became their lone hit single.
Because this post was inspired by Marika, who often has user pics of herself as an adorable child, I opted for a new user pic, a twelve-year-old Becky at Lynne’s house for the first time. I’m not actually smoking that cigarette. In an attempt to pretend that I was one of the cool kids (I was giddy at being INSIDE the house of a girl who’d sneered at me and mocked me the year before because I was such a prissy little failure as an athlete in such respected sports as three-legged races), I grabbed one of Lynne’s daddy’s Camels when she or somebody went to snap a photo of me. Not too many years later, Lynne and I would be sucking at Benson & Hedges Menthols like there was no tomorrow, prompting a raid on my room by That Old Woman, who was at the time That Menopausal Woman, and a stern letter from my father from around the world in Korea.
But I digress.
After reading Marika’s post, I was trying to come up with one song that I hoped never to hear again–when I flashed on grilled pork chops. The answer was clear.
My cousin had a vacation cottage in Mexico Beach, Florida, which my parents sometimes used. One year, my sister Debby and her kids went with them, and my first husband, who may have been only a boyfriend at that time, and I decided to join them all. On the night in question, my parents grilled pork chops for dinner.
My love for pork chops is legendary, perhaps as much because of the way I eat them as that I, a girl who squeals over the adorability factor of baby pigs, will eat them at all. I’m sad to say that as long as I’m among family and close friends, I go after those things like a stray dog. A pork chop bone is CLEAN when I finish it. CSI: Green Acres wouldn’t be able to get a trace of tissue off those bones.
So we ate our grilled pork chops, then the rest of the family sat back to enjoy their post-dinner cigarettes. (These were the days before the government would break into your home and arrest you for smoking.) While they smoked, I twitched. My parents, in that way of parents, had convinced themselves that the Benson & Hedges Menthols had been a phase. In a way, they were right. My sister left the table and returned with my secret stash of Merit Menthols and set them in front of me. That Lucky Strike Chain-smoking Woman shook her head, while my father looked mournful, sighed his trademark sigh, and said, “I thought I’d have ONE child who didn’t smoke,” just before he inhaled his Vantage.
Later, Debby, the Boyfriend, and I went to the Miracle Strip in Panama City, and after a glass of wine and a ride on some screechy metal something that was an OSHA incident waiting to happen, I started feeling bad. REALLY bad. Lie down in the back seat of the car and beg my Creator to let me die bad.
It was the longest trip of my life, that ride back to Casa Tobacco. And it was made worse by Leon Russell moaning from the radio. I don’t know the song. But I remember that it went something like this:
My baby left me
My baby left me
I said my baby left me
Oh my baby left me
She went and left me
My baby left me
She was my baby
And you know she left me
I can’t believe
My baby left me
Yeah she left me
Oh she left me
At which point I was shrieking from the back seat, “Get over it, you whiny bastard, MOVE ON!”
And Leon replied:
So I got the blues
Yeah I got the blues
I said I got the blues
The blues, the blues, the blues
I got the baby left me blues
Because my baby left me
She left me
My baby left me
Oh she left me
Did you know my baby left me
Oh my baby left me…
It wasn’t the shame of being exposed as a closet smoker. It wasn’t the glass of wine or the Tilt A Whatever. Leon Fucking Russell made me throw up all night long, and I haven’t eaten grilled pork chops since. Lest any jig-dancing pigs or PETA members feel they have cause to rejoice, my ban does not extend to fried or baked pork chops.