Breaking news: People who hate the Twilight franchise are trashing Breaking Dawn all over the Internet. I know; it’s shocking. 😉 People who love the Twilight franchise are waxing rhapsodic. MANY of them are giving spoilers, and I endeavor not to do that, but if you’re going to the movie, you should know: There’s another scene AFTER the movie ends and some credits roll. It sets up the second movie. Most of the people in my theater had cleared out by the time that scene came on. Did we learn nothing from Ferris Bueller?
I started having what I (with my advanced medical degree) decided was a major allergy attack on Wednesday night. By Thursday, I felt truly wretched and was starting to wonder if I had a sinus infection. But we’d bought our non-refundable tickets for the midnight show in advance, and I’ve waited so long for this, and I really, really wanted to be at a first showing with a new audience for at least one of these movies. So before Lindsey, Tim, and I left for the theater, I made a Walgreen’s run. I got a Vicks inhaler to help me breathe; I was full of Allegra and Alka Seltzer Plus (wanted to cover all possible maladies); I had Hall’s cough drops and lots of hand sanitizer. Then, because I can’t STAND it when people are sick in public places, I bought a mask to wear in case I was contagious (though I didn’t think I was, since I never had a fever).
Thus armed, we arrived at the theater. Sadly, we weren’t early enough, and we couldn’t find seats together. Lindsey had to sit way down front. Tim was a couple of rows back from me. The woman next to him acted like he was going to drink her Coke. People are weird. Then I asked him to trade places, because the further back I am, the better I can see the screen. He did, and suggested I not wear the mask and go ahead and spread my plague to the people who wouldn’t let us sit together. Meanwhile, Lindsey and I were texting. She was disappointed because there was no crazy fan stuff happening. I told her she’d need to be at the Friday night shows, when there’d be a younger audience and more crazy potential.
Then, however, things got good. Right in front of where Lindsey was sitting, some dedicated Twilight fans–Breaking Dawn t-shirts and all–had waited in line for a long time to be among the first inside the theater. They chose their seats, left their coats on them, and went to get concessions/go to the bathroom/whatever. Then some other people came in, shoved the coats aside, and took those seats. When the girls returned, a verbal altercation began. Eventually theater management and the police came in to straighten it out. Just seconds before the previews started, the police escorted the entire group of seat-stealers from the auditorium and the whole audience clapped and cheered. Justice prevailed!
In spite of the fact that I couldn’t breathe–and did you know if you’re wearing one of those masks, the vapors from your cough drops will go right into your eyes and make you cry and it has nothing to do with the movie?–plus if you’re wearing one of those masks, your glasses will fog up and you can’t see the movie?–I relished every minute of Breaking Dawn. I know this allegedly makes me a stupid, lonely old woman with no life and no taste or judgment who betrays the vampire canon and feminism, but fortunately, my self-image comes neither from a movie, a book, nor its haters, so I could just enjoy it. Except that part where the theater speakers kept getting all wonky, so one minute the wolves would sound like Darth Vader thundering out lines of dialogue and the next minute they’d sound like the alpha dog in Up when his collar malfunctions.
After the movie, Tim, Lindsey, and I convened to watch all the credits (and that additional scene), then we were stuck in the parking garage forever, giving us time to do our post mortem. Tim, with his Wedding Bitch background, talked about the wedding, but I won’t tell you a flaw he noticed because if you see the movie it’ll be ALL you can focus on. We agreed that Alice needs her own Bravo Reality Show because she’s a great stylist. Lindsey loved the music–they always have good music in the Twilight movies, and I also noticed that they borrowed from the different scores of the other movies to play during key scenes. Loved the way that tied things together. Then we entertained ourselves by giving Bella new dialogue straight from stylist/designer Rachel Zoe and her reality show. It’s kind of like watching The Wizard of Oz with Pink Floyd’s “Dark Side of the Moon” playing; it works!
As promised, the last Twilight/vampire-themed poem is:
Thank you again, Marika, for the set of magnetic words. Now they and all the dolls are packed away. And I went to a clinic this morning and my initial diagnosis was correct–we are having an active ragweed outbreak so it’s allergies–and I got better meds and other stuff, slept all day, and feel much improved. As soon as I can smell and taste again, I’ll see Breaking Dawn for the second time so I can enjoy a tub o’popcorn, because if you’re going to take out a loan to see a movie, you may as well go all the way.
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