Tag: entertainment

That is incorrect

From my online Rolling Stone comes the following quote from a reader:

READER COMMENT OF THE DAY: ROCK N’ ROLL DAILY: CELEBRITY LOOK-ALIKE BONANZA
I think Julian Lennon and k.d. lang are actually the same person. Have you noticed that you never see them together? Kind of like Peter Parker and Spiderman. Maybe I’m just a conspiracy theorist, but I think somebody should look into this.” — Ishmael (8/14/06 5:50PM EST)

Ishmael, that’s just crazy talk. I already exposed the k.d. lang secret right here.

Anyone* can play

Someone in the next TJB novel is getting a tattoo. I need a tattoo idea fast. REALLY fast.

I’m not allowed to tell you the character, the character’s gender, age, or race-for-no-apparent-reason. I can’t even tell you the character’s interests. If you MUST have a hint, I can tell you that nothing with a NASCAR theme would work. Also, no trees, as a tree of life temporary tattoo was used in THREE FORTUNES.

Please e-mail your tattoo suggestion to:

info@timothyjamesbeck.com

If your tattoo is chosen, you’ll receive an author-signed copy of the As Yet Unnamed Fifth Timothy James Beck novel when it is released next year. (Now you’ll understand the kind of delayed gratification writers endure.) Plus, of course, the glory that comes along with having YOUR tattoo idea immortalized in a novel.

*Anyone except Timothy J. Lambert and Jim Carter

And another season has begun

I didn’t even mention that the third season of “Project Runway” kicked off last week. I was in the ‘burbs that night, so we watched the pre-show and the first episode over the weekend. I already know who I do and don’t like, but why talk about it when I know that it will change over the next few weeks? Ultimately, there will be someone I adore, and then I’ll get really invested.

Last season, I got lucky with Daniel, and I still feel affection for him.

All I have to say about the first episode this time is:


How the HELL did this not get Bradley eliminated?!?

The Un-News (now with more editing)

All day long, I’ve been subjected to the same headline on one news site after another: Oprah Says She’s Not Gay.

While I find the statement of Oprah’s friend of many years–who said if they were romantically involved, they’d say so because there’s nothing wrong with being gay–so much more palatable than a person who snarls at Barbara Walters that being called gay is “sick and disgusting” (not that I’m referring to any famous and extremely heterosexual actor in particular), still, is this news?

Considering everything that’s going on in the world and our nation, why does this rate so much attention? I don’t really give a crap if Oprah’s gay or if she isn’t. I don’t even care if she’s lying or if she’s not. However, if Un-News is the trend, then I’m going to start saving up some stuff in case I get famous enough to have my own book club or at least have a name like Famous Author Becky (FAB)*. Here are the headlines I’ve come up with so far. I know they’re not very shocking, but I’m just getting started.

BeckyFAB Says She’s Not Batgirl
BeckyFAB Says She’s Not Ghostwriter of Anne Rice’s Novels
BeckyFAB Says She’s Not a Nuclear Physicist
BeckyFAB Says She’s Not Stevie Nicks’s Love Child (shut up, Tim, I could so be since I’m only 35)
BeckyFAB Says She’s Not Brad Pitt’s Former Mistress

Not that there’s anything wrong with being Batgirl, Anne Rice’s ghostwriter, a nuclear physicist, Stevie Nicks’s love child, or Brad Pitt’s former mistress.

*FAB–Like FARB but without the pirate noise.

I proposition celebrities

Dear Celebrities,

Y’all can’t catch a break as parents, can you? If you sell photos of your infants, you’re whoring them out, even if you give the money away to help people. If you shelter your baby from public viewing and photo ops, your kid either doesn’t exist or is reputed to be hideous. If you take a walk with your toddler and stumble, you will be judged by everyone on the planet with an opinion–and you know what they say about opinions.

Where you deliver your babies, what you name them, how you dress them, where you take them, where you leave them, where you school them, how you hold them–it’s all held up to criticism and/or ridicule.

Meanwhile, I know of lots of non-celebrity parents who are thrilled to show off their kids’ photos to anyone who will stand still and seems to have a pulse. Plus, judging by what I read on blogs, their kids are way too visible in every public place imaginable–planes, stores, restaurants, movie theaters–just about 24/7, sometimes without an intelligent adult in sight.

None of my friends and family are neglectful parents, and their children are gorgeous and well-behaved. But they worry about them. They worry about how they’re going to clothe and feed them. How they’re going to keep them in DVDs and Elmos. How they’re going to send them to college or pay their bail. (Kidding on that last one, friends and family!)

So I have a solution, Celebrities. I will photograph you with a child of appropriate age, gender, and beauty in seemingly “ambushed” photos. (It’ll be easy for you actors to look surprised and/or annoyed, right?) I’ll sell the photos to the tabloids and split the money with the real parents of the children who appear with you. It’s a total win. Your own babies’ privacy has been protected, yet you can still make a bid for sympathy at how you’re being tormented by “the press.” The public will stop swearing that you’ve given birth to the Elephant Man. The real parents of the children in your photos would then have the money for Baby Gap, orthodontia, and Yale. The worst they’ll ever have to endure is an occasional, “Hey, your little Emily sure looks like that Cruise kid!” Or, “Oops! Who got gum in your little Jason’s hair again?”

And I… I’ll be able to pay my damn power bills.