Author: Becky

From a reader with an English teacher inside her brain

1. If someone in your past told you to put a comma wherever you’d take a breath in saying something aloud, it was a lie. A comma is not a whimsical punctuation mark for you to use and abandon at will like that moron who had a crush on you in eighth grade. Show some respect!

2. If you put LOL after everything you say online, try reading it aloud and actually laughing out loud. You sound a lot like that moron who had a crush on you in eighth grade, don’t you? Saying stuff like, “Your car is really totaled. LOL!” and “Your baby is kind of ugly. LOL!!!!” and “Your dad is cheating on your mom–LOLOL.” or “I made microwave popcorn today! LOL!” doesn’t actually seem to merit a big ol’ laugh-fest. Your message is confusing.

3. Why are so many people suddenly breaking the rules of commas, colons, and a proper lack of punctuation with the random use of question marks? It’s weird. I’ll bet all those blaring and misplaced question marks get released into the environment where they become hazardous to birds and fish. Just sayin’…

4. However, carry on with the use of the occasional uppercased word or two to STRESS IMPORTANCE. Unless it’s followed by a ton of unmerited LOLing.

Sometime Last Century, No. 1

Sometimes when I’m feeling a little full of myself, I like to think back to the day I took Daniel to a mall to buy a baseball. He kept playing with it and putting it down and generally being a boy. I said, “Keep your hands on that baseball or you’ll go off and forget it.” 

Then I shrieked, “AIIIIIEEEEE,” grabbed his arm, and raced back to JC Penney, where I’d left my Canon AE-1 on the shelf in the bathroom stall. Fortunately, some kind soul had turned it in to the office.

Remember the days when you didn’t know your photos were crappy/blurry until you got your film developed? Then it was Sorry, sucker, you’ll never get that Kodak moment back. Digital cameras: the Ultimate Do-Over Machine.

 

Note

I love getting Christmas cards, and I save most of them in a bin in the garage. I do this knowing that one day, a van will pull up and the driver will say, “Get ready, old woman, we’re putting you in Shady Pines.”

I fantasize that I’ll have a chance to go through the card bins first and say, “Who the hell are these people?” Much like what happens when people send me Friend requests on Facebook now.