This is a rather small diary I kept during my sophomore year at college. (I shot it with a pair of my glasses to give a sense of scale.)
I have so many diaries, journals, datebooks, appointment books, dating as far back as eighth grade. Some have only a few entries. Some of the journals have more, but with big time gaps between entries. I rarely read them, and when I do, I don’t have the patience to read them in their entirety, mostly because I’m so far away emotionally from where I was during the writing. Each time I read excerpts from any of them, I’m surprised how well I remember events, and how often time has softened my reactions to events.
If asked to list two of what I see as my assets, they are: *I don’t hold grudges. *I forgive.
I perceive these as strengths, because I believe that mentally staying in a painful place, brooding over a relationship gone bad, rehashing being done wrong, lets all that live rent-free in my head. Fuck that. I have too many better things to think about. Thinking is my favorite thing, and I’m not squandering it. I struggled with this last year because a few newsworthy events triggered bad memories for me. I worked through it.
When I read my accounts of other times, I do see plenty of motivation for letting go of toxic people. I don’t think any of them miss me. Likewise, I don’t miss them; we’re all good. Some of the people I hope never to see again have fascinating, humorous, slightly sinister, or quirky traits. There was a reason they were in my life and journal-worthy in the first place, and if nothing else, they can be a few threads woven into characters.
In fact, the reason I ended up glancing at this diary was because I was looking through bins and folders for a song a character wrote so I could use it in a chapter. I finally found it in the last folder I had to look through, because apparently, I had lots of time. [insert eyeroll] The date on the song is 1981. I don’t think I wrote it in 1981. I think I wrote it in the 1990s, so I guess the character wrote it in 1981 in his world. Maybe. Who knows.
Is it a song that you wrote, then?
I have journals from the 90s, which were simply hardback books of lined paper that I wrote the dates in with each entry. I expect they would make cringe-worthy reading now – as would my LJ!
I would say I don’t hold grudges, although I struggle with forgiveness sometimes. There are a handful of people who have done things in the past that I find unforgiveable, but they are not in my life anymore, so it doesn’t really signify. I have learned from experience and I am mindful of it when it comes to others.
Grudge holding sucks up so much energy–emotional, mental, even physical.
I understand what you mean about certain unforgivable acts. In my case, most were done to people I love. That’s when I struggle to forgive.
Yes, I wrote the song, but it’s from the character’s sensibility and his perspective, so to me, it feels like he wrote it. I WISH he’d write the music for it. I only handle lyrics. In the old days, I’d be calling on Riley to give me music for these lyrics.