Recently someone talked about being ghosted, and while I was working on something today, I started thinking about it. The term is used often because the Internet makes ghosting easy when people interact mostly online, especially after an initial meetup between a couple looking for a possible dating relationship, or after sexual hookups that either didn’t go well or went well but then the other person “disappeared.” (A thoughtfully fun romance by Alisha Rai, The Right Swipe, deals with this exact situation.)
From Wikipedia:
Ghosting is a colloquial term used to describe the practice of ceasing all communication and contact with a partner, friend, or similar individual without any apparent warning or justification and subsequently ignoring any attempts to reach out or communication made by said partner, friend, or individual.
Based on that definition, I tend to regard it as applicable to longer-term relationships, whether romantic or as friends, more than online hookups or meetups.
Have I been ghosted? Yes, definitely.
The first time was in 1975 (friend since 1971) and left me confused and heartbroken. The idea that someone could stop all communication was unthinkable to me, although I did get a “don’t call/don’t write” letter (bet I still have it). The end of the friendship came out of the blue, and any attempts I made to reach out and understand it were rebuffed. I’m not sure I was ever angry, just confused as hell and desperate for someone, anyone, to tell me if this was normal in any way. (I was young.)
I hoped never to have to go through it again.
The next time was in 1988 and it was an absolute ghosting. In fact, the person, a good friend for seven years, was supposed to be coming to Tom’s and my apartment (by this time, we lived in cities about three hours apart) and never showed up, never returned a call, never got in touch again after the last phone call arranging the visit. To this day, I have no clue what happened. Tom and I moved to Houston shortly thereafter, and later attempts to find this person via the Internet–if for no other reason than to know the person isn’t dead–have been futile.
I went on with my life, but I probably will go to my grave trying to figure out that mystery.
The next time was in 1995 and ended a friendship of four years. After a few weeks of being stonewalled, I did get a letter (still have it, yes) of explanation, but as it was obviously written under a great deal of stress and pain, I never felt anger, never even considered striking back, although the letter leveled some untrue/undeserved accusations at me.
It was ultimately a vindictive ghosting, but maybe I’d learned some things by then, and all I could feel was compassion for this friend’s misery and growing isolation (I was not the first one ghosted). I let it be. The pain didn’t end with the person’s bitter goodbye but with death not many months later. I was grateful for the unwavering support I received from Tom and Amy throughout the ordeal. (Other friends helped, too, and I’m also thankful for them, but Tom and Amy maintained a near-constant effort to support me through it, and both were careful to help me move forward without anger.)
From that experience, I can say that it may feel good when other friends trash your ghoster with you, but if it’s someone who was special to you, feeding your anger, anguish, pain, revenge thoughts, etc., does you no favors. It’s okay for you to feel all the things you feel. Coping with the death of a relationship goes through stages just as an actual death does. But your wiser friends will listen, extend compassion, and find ways to help you get through and beyond it. Wallowing in it, dwelling on it, holding on to it, is a waste of your time and energy and gives way too much power to your ghoster. Learn what you can learn and let go. I have no evidence, but I believe if you can’t let it go, you risk getting yourself into similar destructive relationships. It may also erode your trust in people and cheat you out of future friendships.
I have sometimes tried to figure out if I’ve ghosted anyone. I don’t think so. Some friendships have ended without a whimper or a bang, just the natural progression of people moving on to different things or in different directions. Some relationships ended in high drama, and either the other person or I made the reasons for the ending abundantly clear. Twice that I know of, I’ve called a complete halt to communication but they had to know it was coming. One left me alone, as asked, the other had to torment me a while because that was part of the pattern that ended the relationship in the first place.
In yet another case, that person also had to know it was coming as a result of bad actions on their part, no explanation from me required. I’m usually forgiving (you might not believe how forgiving, while those on the receiving end do know), but sometimes just a big GO AWAY AND DO NOT RETURN choice is the right one.
For a couple of years now, I’ve kind of felt like someone has ghosted me. I’ve made tentative efforts to reach out, but no response. Again, bewildering, and I’ve ransacked my brain for anything wrong I might have said or done, but maybe it’s just one of those “drifting apart” things again. I do miss the person and send well wishes and positive thoughts for good things for them.
When I write my ghost novel, it will NOT be about relationship ghosting, but a real ghost. Because ghosts are real, right?
DO YOU BELIEVE IN GHOSTS OF REAL PEOPLE and not just the ghosts of bad relationships?
I have many complicated feelings about this, ultimately I try to have some good feelings about my big ghoster, but I also think it’s for cowards
Maybe. Since I never got answers from the first two–well, I sort of did, years and years later from the first one, but I’m not sure that person actually even remembered the motive or told me accurately–I have no idea what drove their actions. (Illness drove the third one, not cowardice at all.)
Nothing about any of those events was in my control except how much space I let it take up in my head. Here’s a great assessment of Aries: For the most part, Aries doesn’t hold grudges. “They generally have the ability to express their anger or frustration, and when they do, it is often assertive, forthright, and at times blunt,” Lang says. “Then, they can let go and start all over, almost as if nothing’s happened.”
Moving on is how we roll. Don’t get me wrong; we never forget. And if someone fucks with us, likely that person is never fully trusted again, and that lack of trust will mean the relationship is never what it once was if it continues. But we are busy, forward-moving creatures; nursing vendettas and grudges is a waste of our most valued resource: our time. In this way, I’m full-on Aries.
I think, when a relationship of any kind comes to an end, people deserve to know the reason(s) why, unless it is a natural, drifting off progression.
I can’t immediately think if I have been ghosted or not, other than by dates, of course. I think all one can do is to accept that it reflects the place the ghoster is in and accept that, although it might be a cause for worry and compassion.
I agree. People should provide an explanation. The novel I mentioned was good because we find out he had very compelling reasons for his vanishing act.