Photo Friday, No. 680

Current Photo Friday theme: Family

I’ve shared this photo before. It was Christmas of 1983 and I was using my tripod and the timer on my Canon AE-1 to shoot family photos. This one is me trying to get into the picture and somehow falling into David while Debby turns her back to protect herself. Daddy, ever the good soldier, is following orders and smiling at that damn camera no matter what, while Mother is laughing at us and the dumb bow David has slapped on his forehead.

I wasn’t supposed to be there. Debby’s family and my parents were living in Kentucky at the time, and I’d gone up for Thanksgiving because I wouldn’t have enough time off at Christmas. Except then I was fired by the second-worst employer I ever worked for. I’d immediately started another job, but that business was closed for a couple of weeks, and David offered to drive us up for a family Christmas.

I will share more than I usually share on here because recent conversations make me understand these things can be important. I never know who’s reading. The man I was dating at that time was angry that I went to visit my family at Christmas, reminding me that we’d gone at Thanksgiving because I couldn’t go at Christmas. My holiday plans didn’t interfere with his at all (he didn’t go with me in December because of his own job and family), and it was eye-opening to me to realize he resented me for going and begrudged me time with my family.

There were other reasons why that relationship had to end. He was emotionally and physically abusive. I rarely speak of him even privately, much less publicly. It took me a while to have the courage to end it, and I’m relatively sure this was one of the final nails in the coffin.

When a person tries to poison your relationships with your friends and separates you from a family who loves you (and who you love), GET OUT. Don’t waste time. Don’t think it will get better. Don’t think it’s your fault.

When a person physically hurts you, GET OUT. Don’t waste time. Don’t think it will get better. Don’t think it’s your fault.

Lean on your support system. Find a safe space. Nothing about you, no action, no character trait, no flaw, no strength, deserves emotional and physical abuse.

This was the Christmas when the one I call my Muse died, and I was with my family and not alone when it happened. This Christmas was my father’s last healthy one, and I could never have known that. I will always be grateful that I went despite the pressure on me not to. I will always be grateful that my family, who had no idea what was going on in my relationship, were exactly the goofy, fun, clever, sometimes maddening bunch we could be. Their love and that bond sustained me then, and even though our parents are gone, everything my family has given me through the decades sustains me still.

If your birth family is not that support for you, find your people. Find your tribe. Your framily. Let them love you the way you deserve to be loved. Love yourself the way you would love others. Take care of yourself.

Use this resource if you need it: National Domestic Violence Hotline.