Talk about it

Today, October 11, marks the eighteenth annual National Coming Out Day. I’m going to make an admission here:

I get really, really tired of questions like, “Why must they talk about it all the time?” “Why are they always shoving it in my face?” and “Why must people label themselves, especially based on who they want to have sex with?”

I can’t advise gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgendered people how or when to come out to their families, friends, and coworkers because I’ve never had that particular experience. But I’ve taken the journey from being an ignorant straight person to being a GLBT ally, so I will answer those questions every time I have the opportunity, even if I’m tired.

It’s unlikely that “they talk about it all the time.” Only that it jars you because it’s outside your norm. For example, you barely register every time your coworker Betty says, “Stan and I” when she tells you things about her weekend, family, holiday or vacation plans, kids, car repairs, garden, diet. But when discussing the same things, if your coworker Sam says, “Fred and I,” you hear it. Sam probably doesn’t talk about Fred any more or less than Betty talks about Stan, even if it seems that way to you. And really, if Sam feels comfortable enough to talk about Fred in front of you, feel honored. It means he trusts you enough to be honest about his life.

Shoving it in your face? What does that mean? Does Sam have a photo of Fred on his desk? Does he want to bring him to the company holiday party? Does he want him to be at family celebrations? Do they want to sit close in the theater and share a box of popcorn? Do they want to offer a comforting embrace to each other at a funeral? Do they want to hug goodbye or kiss hello at the airport? Aren’t these things straight people do and take for granted every day? Why does it have to be different for Sam and Fred?

Please don’t say you’re worried about the children. Seeing Sam and Fred act like every other couple won’t turn your kid gay. If that were possible, how could gay people ever be gay, since most gay people grow up in a world where they see straight people do those things? Didn’t turn them straight. No one can be “turned.” We are who we are. And what we should do is let other people be who they are meant to be without accusing them of shoving it in our faces.

Oh, you mean those parades. Here’s a suggestion. Don’t go to Pride parades if you don’t want to see gay people celebrating their existence. Simple enough? Don’t watch a gay-themed TV show or movie if it freaks you out that badly. (But sometime maybe you can explain to me why seeing actors as corpses who were murdered in the most heinous ways on all those prime time cop shows doesn’t bother you or make you scream, “Think of the children!” ‘Cause I think those shows are really creepy. That’s why I don’t watch them.)

If, however, there are times you feel like Sam is “oversharing,” just say so, the same way you’d tell Betty that you really don’t want to know intimate details about Stan. Everyone has different comfort levels, and there’s nothing wrong with politely asking someone to respect yours–just as you’d respect theirs by not deliberately telling them something that you know has an “ew” factor for them.

However, please don’t make the mistake of thinking sexual orientation is the same as sexual behavior. Do you think being straight is ONLY about who you have sex with? What about people who don’t have sex? What about people who can’t have sex? What about people who wish they could have sex but no one’s interested? Are they something else? Something “not straight” because they’re not having sex? No. They’re still heterosexual. Your sexual behavior is just one part of who you are as a straight person. Ditto for those who identity themselves as GLBT. They are who they are, and sexuality is only one aspect of their identity. Celebrate them as you should celebrate all people without regard for artificial distinctions. We’re all in this together, and we’re way more alike than we’re different.

Since I’m tired, I’m probably not saying all this as well as I should be. But I do want to thank every single gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgendered person who has ever trusted me enough to be who you are around me. You have enriched my life.

Here’s my sign, from the Human Rights Campaign’s Snapshot Project.