A Tale of Appliances

Recently I flung myself back into debt like a good American when I bought a new washing machine for The Compound and a refrigerator for Tim’s apartment. I can’t really complain about these big-ticket purchases because over several decades, I received several new appliances as gifts from family members, and those I’ve had to replace put in many years of good and faithful service before they died.

Sometimes I’m questioned about why I don’t have appliances with all the bells and whistles (I see those things as more stuff that can break and honestly, I just want the basics), or why I don’t have a dishwasher (I never met a dishwasher I liked in my years of renting; I don’t have room for one; and unless I’m really tired, I enjoy washing dishes, and anyway, Tim and Tom–and often our guests–are as likely to wash dishes as I am) or a garbage disposal (not enough room under my sink and not a necessity).

However, this go-round of unexpected appliance buying was annoying because I really, really needed a new computer. Even though computers are completely affordable, I’m tired of doing battle with the firewalls and virus protections that constantly need updating for Windows systems. I have two laptops with Windows if I need to use my existing software, so I’d finally convinced myself to splurge on the iMac I really wanted.

Then the appliance crisis happened. I deliberated about this for a bit, then called to mind the old truism about having children. If you wait until you can afford them, you’ll be childless. Rather than be Mac-less, I threw caution to the wind and after picking out a ‘fridge and a washer, I brought home my new 20.5-pound baby and we’ve been getting along famously.

And then…the microwave died.

Let me back up in time to those days when my first husband and I graduated from college, moved into our tiny house, and were gifted with a brand new washer, dryer, stove, and refrigerator from my parents, his mother, and his two grandmothers. Then one night his stepfather said we ought to have one of those newfangled microwaves. Though I really had no use for a microwave, being a very traditional kind of cook, and saw it mainly as something that would take up space in an already too-small kitchen, in came the microwave.

Every time we turned that thing on, we blew a fuse in our old house. So then came the electrician. Before I could figure out any real use for the stupid thing, scandal rocked our small town. Apparently there was a big employee-theft ring at the local manufacturer of appliances–mainly those newfangled microwaves. Sheriffs were getting tips, knocking on doors, confiscating microwaves, and arresting people. Microwaves were being dumped in ravines, ditches, and creeks before they could become evidence. I called my father-in-law and said, “That microwave wasn’t by chance a little gift to you from an employee of [name redacted], was it? DID YOU GIVE ME A HOT MICROWAVE?”

The microwave was removed from my house in the dead of night amidst much jollity on the part of family members at my paranoia and righteous indignation. I maintained a grudge against microwaves from then on and wouldn’t have one in my house following my divorce and even after Tom and I got married, by which time microwaves were standard in most kitchens.

Then my mother lived with us for a while, and when she moved, she left her microwave behind. Over time, I offered it a somewhat grudging acceptance. It was good for a quick bag of popcorn and to melt butter for my baking. When Tim moved here, he saw it and said, “Where’d your mother GET that thing? From Dolly Madison?” From then on, I thought of it as the First Microwave and liked to imagine a conversation between our country’s fourth First Lady and my mother.

Dolly Madison: Dorothy, the British are coming, and I’ve only got room in my wagon for the White House silver and George Washington’s portrait. Why don’t you take this nice microwave?

Mother: Won’t you need it here in the White House after the War of 1812 ends?

Dolly Madison: Actually, we haven’t been able to use it ever since Ben died and could no longer stand on the White House roof with a kite and a key.

Mother: But most of us won’t have electricity until the 1930s. What will I do with it until then?

Dolly Madison: It makes a handy place to store your bread and BBQ-Fritos.

That dumb microwave outlived my mother, but now it’s gone. I’m not in a hurry to replace it; probably the saddest commentary on how little we use it came when Tom said, “Just make sure you replace it with one big enough for the coffeemaker and toaster to sit on top.”

RIP, microwave of Dolly Madison and Dorothy Cochrane.

25 thoughts on “A Tale of Appliances”

  1. When Tim moved here, he saw it and said, “Where’d your mother GET that thing? From Dolly Madison?”

    Ha ha! That was a good line. It does look like a pretty old one.

    Are you enjoying your iMac? I’ve been drooling over them lately. However, I’m starting to think that I’ll probably go with a Mac Book because I need something that is portable.

        1. It’s actually a return to Apple World for me. Macs were my first real PCs back in the day when people snickered at me about the mouse.

          I’ll buy a microwave eventually. It’s not a priority–and there’s always Rexford’s Tim’s!

  2. it still has a life as a storage facility and a shelf. Therefore is it still good & doesn’t need to be thrown out. Logic compliments of hoarders anonymous.

  3. This was epically funny!!

    My aunt talked my grandmother into buying a microwave when they first came out. It was this chrome monstrosity that my grandfather had to cut the underside of the cabinet out to fit. It resided in the same place from the day it was purchased, sometime in the early 80s, until it signaled it’s final ding about a year ago.

    1. You gotta figure when they get as old as these, they MUST be leaking something bad. In fact, I’m going to blame that microwave for the mutant immortal rat who keeps finding his way into my attic.

  4. St Microwavia — the patron saint of Single mothers everywhere. I would have died without one … but rarely use it now. I bet your Mama and Dolly would have been fierce friends.

  5. It would be pretty hard to do Puterbaugh popcorn without a microwave. 🙂
    The last time I bought one, the guy at Best Buy tried to talk me into an extended warranty. I probably only spent $50 on it, so I told him he was crazy. As cheap as they are anymore, it would be stupid to spend money to have someone repair one. Which is kind of sad, too, because that just puts more in the landfill.

    1. Yeah, it’s crazy how cheap they are. Of course, I’ll want one with a stainless steel/aluminum finish, so that will jack up the price.

      I believe a place here recycles what it can of these discarded electronics and appliances. Maybe that’ll be less of it in the landfill.

  6. OMFSM Becky – I haven’t laughed this hard in a week! The story, while hilarious on its own, slayed me when I got to the picture! Please forgive this kitchen-whore for I am a SNOB of appliances and was so excited when our last microwave went tits-up so I could replace it with a stainless steel version that would match the decor better!

    GOOD BYE OLD MICROWAVE –

    Becky – if you didn’t use it much before now, you won’t miss it.

    MUCH LOVE – t

    *still wiping tears of laughter from her eyes*

    1. My work here is done. Thank you.

      I understand your snobbery–I was willing to throw a party when the first refrigerator died and I could replace it with stainless steel.

      Until I started paying for it, of course.

  7. That old thing? Couldn’t handle a Starbucks Venti cup to rewarm my coffee. I say “good riddance.” I also say…if you should decide to spend $30 to replace it, make sure a Venti cup fits in there. You know…just in case.

      1. What about Starbucks new Trenta size? While only cold drinks are being served in it, they could potentially serve hot beverages in the future.
        Just a thought…..for your friends who will be super sizing their coffee and need to reheat it in your new microwave.
        I’m always looking out for others. 🙂

  8. Great story.

    Next time you have an appliance crisis, call me. I have a refrigerator, washing machine and dryer languishing in climate-controlled storage. I’m sure they whisper about microwaves all the time. Luckily, the piano is there to keep them in line.

    Oh, and welcome to the Mac Side: We have apples.

    1. Thanks! Did you decide, by chance, to change apartments so you could get the piano out of storage? I didn’t realize you had one/played until I saw that FB update.

  9. I’m going through something similar. The minute I started shopping for what would be my very first laptop, my desktop gave notice.

    As Gilda Radner said, “It’s always something.”

    1. Desktops get their feelings hurt easily, and they are very vindictive. Sleep with the OTHER eye open (I know you already have one eye open on Clown Watch).

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